Detroit’s Tommy Titan
In a fight (9): Seriously, this guy doesn’t look like someone to be messed with. He’s got a big hero-jaw and he looks emotionally unstable enough to drive a school bus off a cliff. Being human, he has optimal maneuverability over tubs of lard like Sparky and big head bad balancing acts Rowdy and Hink.
Relevance (7): Tommy has the Greek thing down, but he’s dressed up like a mortal warrior on the battlefield, like Achilles or King Leonitus. He’s a freaking Titan, which means he should be dressed in a toga or something and having baby god bits falling out of his mouth.
Love-ability (3): I’m sure the designer was going for a loveable smile and a cutesy face, but it came out creepy. Also, his chest looks like a flesh colored smiley face that isn’t smiling but unpleasantly shocked. Also, I wouldn’t want my kid hanging around a porn star without a shirt and that look on his face.
Style (4): Tommy’s designer is a lazy bastard. Are those flesh-colored shoulder pads? As noted before, Tommy is dressing like a mere mortal when he should be dressed as a titan. These titans were card-carrying members of the Regressive Party: Against Abortion, For Killing Babies. Tommy Titan should be trying to eat Zeus, not trying to fight some d-bag in a battle of swords and shields.
This was a very scientific study that I’ve been putting together for years. In no way did I spend just one hour on a Monday night in August building my rankings. Mascots are rated in five sections, and in each of those sections they can score anywhere from 1 to 10. The points, added up in the end, set their ranking. I was helped by high ranking members from each Horizon League university in this highly scientific process. These should not be viewed as my own ideas but those of a collective group of non-biased, PhD-holding scholars.
The categories are: Name, In a Fight, Relevance, Love-ability and Style. The name is self-explanatory, In a Fight is how they would fare in combat, Relevance is how they fit their institution, Love-ability is the capacity for love kids and fans have for their mascot, and Style is all about trying to dress the best (which would be Villanova’s mascot, Jay Wright).